The Boxing Ring

By Dr. Gregory Wiens

These past few weeks, I have talked about the training room and the waiting room. Today I will talk about the boxing ring. In other words: what to do as leaders at the times when we have conflict on the radar. An older pastor once told me: “As a leader we can’t always choose our battles, but we can choose when and how we will face them”. This great advice has held true throughout my ministry.

When dealing with conflict, we first must look at Jesus. As you study Jesus life, you quickly realize that He had many different strategies for handling conflict. Throughout the gospels, Jesus was often in conflict of one sort or another. At times, He was very aggressive and in the face of the Pharisees; not willing to budge one bit (Matthew 23). Jesus was also in a one-sided conflict when He threw the moneychangers out of the Temple (Matthew 21.12-13).

At other times, Jesus avoided conflict completely by ignoring the issues. He ignored Herod and refused to answer his questions (Luke 23.8-10). The same can be said of the time He refused to answer Pilate (Matthew 27.12). In another occasion, Jesus didn’t banter with the guards and would not discuss the contentious issues with the Council of Elders (Luke 22.63-71). In another example, we see Him simply slipping away from of a crowd rather than causing a problem (Luke 4.30).

There were times when Jesus simply yielded His way to others. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus clearly succumbed to the desires of the guards and refused to fight back. In fact, He told Peter to put the sword away (Matthew 26.47-56).

Some times we see Him committed to resolving tension through finding the deeper issue of contention. Jesus clearly listened to Nicodemus and answered his questions and attempted to resolve the issues at hand (John 3). When Jesus meets the Samaritan woman at the well, He clearly turns her pain and attacks into a constructive conversation and resolution of the issues. We also see this approach with the Syrophoenician woman who Jesus has a conversation about their differences and then dissipates them when He heals her daughter.

Lastly, there are times when Jesus quickly comes to a compromise to expedite the process of conflict resolution. He literally changes His mind and agrees to a compromise. We see this approach when dealing with the centurion (Luke 7.1-10). Jesus was on His way to the centurion’s home when the centurion suggests an alternate approach and Jesus accepts his compromise.

Jesus clearly used all five of these approaches to deal with conflict. Ironically, of all people, Jesus surely could have justified always doing it His way, but He didn’t. Jesus knew the wisdom of handling conflict in a multitude of ways.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five approaches to conflict through their research on conflict management in the 1970’s. Their research indicated that either one or a combination of these five following methods would resolve most forms of conflict:

· Winning

· Resolving

· Compromising

· Yielding

· Avoiding

You might ask yourself, “What is best method to resolve conflict?” When dealing with conflict, there isn’t always one answer or one right way to solve the problem. Ironically, as we study the life of Christ we can see He used each of these methods at different times in His earthly ministry. All five of these modes are appropriate at different times. The challenge is to know which approach is suitable at the moment and to know how to effectively use each approach.

Most of us feel comfortable using one approach rather than another. This approach usually is the one we grew up using most of the time in our family environment. Utilizing only one approach to resolve conflict can be unhealthy in relationships with others when we want the best solution to a problem. Using one predominant conflict mode would be like having only one emotion. We need many emotions to express the fullness of life. The same is true of handling conflict.

Everyone is capable of using all five modes of conflict resolution, however, it will take effort to develop approaches to which you are not currently predisposed. The Resolving Mode requires the most effort, since it highly values the relationship and the best solution while digging deep into the issues at hand from the perspective of all parties. An excellent resource on how to develop the Resolving Mode is the book entitled: Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMilan, and Switzler.

If you as a pastor, your staff or leadership would like to take an assessment to identify which approach you feel most comfortable with and where you need to develop, feel free to email Alex at Alex@flcog.org. She can send you the instrument via e-mail. The cost is $15/person for Florida Church of God Ministries churches and $20 for all other churches.

It is most helpful to discuss your scores with someone who understands both you and this assessment. I would be more than happy to sit with you and/or your church’s leadership to debrief how each of your preferred styles may be undermining healthy ministry in the church.

Remember, in the future, the way you approach conflict should be dictated by the situation, not just how you are used to dealing with conflict. In doing so, everyone benefits: the Kingdom of God and you.